anatomy of a soldier

(you can click the image to see it bigger if you like. Also, thanks go to mjranum-stock on deviant art for this photo that I used as a basis for the soldier sketch.)

Officer's Song

The immigrants are new to town
they never seem to wear a frown.
They see the bracer wearin fellas
in the tavern and they say,
I'm gonna be, an officer someday.

And they ask, Corporal tell me what to do,
I wanna be just like you.
And the corporals say.
It's not to late for you to start,
I got my Q's all on the chart,
If you work hard, you can be a corporal too.

The soldiers in their new armbands
slap their chests with fisted hands.
They watch the others caravan.
On patrol you hear them say,
I'm gonna be, an officer someday.

And they ask, Sergeant tell me what to do,
I wanna be just like you.
And the Sergeants Say,
You gotta get those trainings in
qualify and cert and then,
If you work hard, you can be a Sergeant too.

The fellas in the barracks think
that all the girls would smile and wink
if they had higher bracers on
and so they sing a quiet song;
I'm gonna be, an officer someday.

And they ask, Lieutenant tell me what to do,
I wanna be just like you.
And the Lieutenant heaves a heavy sigh,
with a baffled look he asks them, why.
May Waylumi help ya wee daft things,
he shakes his head and then he sings,
If you work hard, you can be Lieutenant too.

The Chain of Command, Explained

First, don't stress. If you make it to induction, you'll figure it out so don't feel like you have to memorize the ranks right away. I'm not going to give you the roster here because that changes all the time and by the time you need it, you can check the guild board.

Rank is important. It comes from the duke himself and it isn't given out randomly. You have to earn your rank and it can and will be taken from you if you abuse it. Rank is given to those who do the work of getting trained and training others and those who prove they can handle leadership. When a superior gives an order, you follow it. If you disagree with it, you can take your concern up the chain of command. Do so privately and not publicly.

Ranks, from highest to lowest.

The Duke

The Fighterlord

Commander

General

Major

Advisor

(The above constitute what's known as High Command)

Captain

Lieutenant

Sergeant

Corporal

(all of the ranks, Corporal and up, are considered officers.)

Soldier

Shield Cleaner - This is a new rank, instituted by the duke for people not worthy of being soldiers but that he wants to give the chance of redeeming themselves. May you never hold this rank.

Recruit - A person who hopes to someday be a soldier.

The Hamster Song

The Hamster Song

Frohmond had a furry friend,
a hamster Scoundrel to the end,
that day the orcs were chanting Oooohm.
Frohmond carried him to war,
because, what else are hamsters for?
The garrison mustered to the tune
of ominous orcish magic men,
and the public all joined them,
because even then we knew,
orcs were coming, it was true,
The day, Froh's hamster died.

So I'm singin, hello, Mawger the red
we tried to kill you but you didn't get dead.
Lots of soldiers and civilians kissed their asses goodbye,
On the day, that Scoundrel died.
The day, Froh's hamster died.

Then we spotted in the sky
a dragon circling way up high.
It was Magwer the Red .
We watched the mighty beast
as on our guards he had a feast.
Our bold protectors dead,
The commander brought us to his side
but the dragon had a sturdy hide
Before we scratched him Magwer fled.
We fought hard but he's not dead.
That day, Scoundrel died.

And we were singin, hello, Mawger the red
we tried to kill you but you didn't get dead.
Lots of soldiers and civilians kissed their asses goodbye,
On the day, that Scoundrel died.
The day, Froh's hamster died.

Then Frohmond took his fearsome pet
to the northern gate where the hamster met
Mawger, as he spit a gate gaurd's bone.
Scoundrel put his warface on.
Mawger bent his neck down like a swan,
to greet that hamster, not yet grown,
and then his giant maw gaped wide.
and then he spouted dragon flame.
Scoundrel won't ever be the same.
“Mawger feared him,” was Froh's said,
the day that hamster died.

And we were singin, hello, Mawger the red
we tried to kill you but you didn't get dead.
Lots of soldiers and civilians kissed their asses goodbye,
On the day, that Scoundrel died.
The day, Froh's hamster died.

War Doesn't Wait

You might be with your honey,

A soft sweet little bunny,

who's pouring out a full heart,

when you get the order,

there's orcs at the border,

and you must leave her alone in the dark.

This job can be jealous,

and seem overzealous,

but you made an oath long ago,

and the tenets come first,

you knew the worst,

when the major says go, you must go.

War doesn't wait.

You're already late.

Join your brothers and sisters at arms.

Better run, better fly.

Could be your day to die,

protecting the public from harm.

On your buddy's new boat,

'cause it's his turn to gloat,

about how he's got it so good.

He's got power and money,

a life that is sunny,

everything that his guild said he would.

Then you heave a sigh,

'cause you hear the cry,

and you gotta make him sail in.

The duke is in town,

assassins are found,

you know you are needed again.

War doesn't wait.

You're already late.

Join your brothers and sisters at arms.

Better run, better fly.

Could be your day to die,

protecting the good duke from harm.

This job can be jealous,

and seem overzealous,

but you made an oath long ago,

and the tenets come first,

you knew the worst.

When the major says go, you must go.

Talarin's Song

Disclaimer: Talarin's not technically a captain at the moment, but I'm not changing the song. Besides, I'd be thrilled if he'd agree to step up and be captain again.

There's a Captain in the Garrison,

for who there's no comparison.

He's fearless, in the extreme.

Protective as a mother bear.

Wears pink and crotchless underwear.

In rumors, he's frequently seen.

Oh Talarin, my cap-i-tain,

frequently, frequently dies.

Oh Talarin, my cap-i-tain,

frequently, meets his demise.

Killed once by a birthday card,

it really wasn't very hard.

I tell you, those things can be mean.

And then there was a silverfish,

an ocean death I wouldn't wish.

At least, his corpse was washed clean.

Oh Talarin, my cap-i-tain,

frequently, frequently dies.

Oh Talarin, my cap-i-tain,

frequently, meets his demise.

While worming he fell through the sand,

in the dark, he made a stand,

killed there by a monster unseen.

Fire warrior, wagon, worm;

Fear? He doesn't know the term.

In pain, he never does scream.

Oh Talarin, my cap-i-tain,

frequently, frequently dies.

Oh Talarin, my cap-i-tain,

frequently meets his demise.

What Will We Put In The Catapult

The catapult needs filling

orcs and mastadons need killing

but the munitions are all gone

and so we sing this song.

Oh, what will we put in the catapult?

it doesn't matter for the end result.

So go and get banana breads

old used shoes and severed heads

wheels of cheese that Airith sneezed on

sweaters with some Orenth fleas on

Frohmond's teeny man bikini

and a plate of old zuchini.

We'll fling them at the enemy

as we sing this melody.

Oh, what will we put in the catapult?

It doesn't matter for the end result.

We'll put some raisin cookies in

damaged bracers from the bin

Tib's discarded centaur apples

iron shields with broken buckles

Khensei's swept up furry sheddings

and leftover food from Kevon's wedding.

We'll fling them at the enemy

as we sing our melody.

Oh, what will we put in the catapult?

It doesn't matter for the end result.

So get some things to put in there

like Talarin's pink underwear,

a jumpsuit Nori doesn't like,

an unused rusty iron spike,

corpses of the Tringha huggers,

and severed fists of Xynin muggers.

You'll be happy with the end result

if that's what we put in the catapult.

The Paperwork Shuffle

A soldier has enough do.

But when his rank begins to rise

so does the awful, fearsome size

of the paperwork he must go through.

This form's for induction, and this one's introduction

Put these ones on the top and let the others drop.

They pile up so high you almost need a shovel,

but that's how you do, the paperwork shuffle.

There's mail for this and mail for that

and mail for when the orcs go splat.

You mail command for all you do

and command in turn must read them through.

This means you qualify, and that one, certify.

Put these ones on the top, and let those others drop.

They pile up so high you almost need a shovel,

but that's how you do, the paperwork shuffle.

And when the paperwork's all done

command has parchment by the ton

they cart it to the guild's main hall

they light it up and burn it all.

This is for a fine, and this, the chainmail I made mine

Put these ones on the top, and let those others drop.

They pile up so high you almost need a shovel,

but that's how you do, the paperwork shuffle.

My Gray Man

He has known his share of sorrow and he's sometimes quick to anger

and he's seen so many battles, he can be a little jaded

and even if you know him well, count yourself a stranger.

But however long it's been in time, his memory hasn't faded.

He is simply and forever my gray man.

There is strength and there is power and the penchant for mysterious,

a gnomish sense of wonder that can make me catch my breath,

a goofy sense of humor that can make me laugh, delirious

and a shadow that hangs over him like the memory of death,

in my gray man.

I have known him just a moment but he makes me think of always

and without him I'd be lost again, stumbling and wandering

through life's dark and twisting, angry hallways

and I don't begin to understand this magic that he's conjuring.

He is simply and forever my gray man.

They Don't Call us Heroes

When the Duke's walkin in town,

you will never see us frown.

We are there.

When there's orcs at the gate,

we won't ever be late.

We are there.

When it's time to do patrol,

it's just the way we roll;

we are there.

It's true that you don't hear about half of what we do.

Our time is not our own, we'll drop anything, it's true,

for the off hand opportunity to risk everything we've got

and get the general public out of a risky spot.

They don't call us heroes and an army's not a team.

We just do our duty, no matter how it seems.

When mastadons are on the street,

dodging those enormous feet;

We are there.

When the fearsome Warlord shouts,

and the noble Duke calls out;

We are there.

When criminals are blustering

and the marshals mustering;

We are there.

And they don't call us heroes and an army's not a team.

We just do our duty, no matter how it seems.

Sometimes a soldier's lonely and a slave to everyone

and often they misunderstand and laugh poke their fun.

But we just square our shoulders, we've got courage stored to spare

and no matter what you think of us,

We are there.

The Women of the Garrison

We are lovely and soft and cuddly and warm,

if we like you at all and you have any charm,

and you're lucky enough to be the man on our arm,

but if you're not... then,

You've not been kissed, till you've been kissed by the fist

of a woman of, The Garrison.

We are sweet and we're kind and we're peaceful as doves

we hold up our pinkies and wear silken gloves

we wouldn't, not ever, raise our soft voices,

unless you are rude and give us no choices.

And then I can say, always, for truly,

without a doubt, and never unduly... that,

You've not been kissed, till you've been kissed by the fist

of a woman of, The Garrison.

We're always polite and ever so gracious

we eat tiny bites and we're never voracious

if you take us to dinner and pay all the check

but if you shirk on your duty you'll likely get decked.

Because...

You've not been kissed, till you've been kissed by the fist

of a woman of...

you gotta love..

The Women of The Garrison.

About being a guide

Yes, I am a guide. No, being a guide doesn't have anything to do with the garrison. What does it mean? Well, honestly it mostly seems to mean having a gaggle of immigrants in my brain all day and night.

A guide's job is to help people get used to Gahlen. Feel free to ask me anything. Here are some things immigrants seem to need to know. It's not gnomish science and you should have heard all this when you had your tour, but you know, I find it bears repeating.

You will want to sleep in the immigrant's guild. That's the safest place to pass out, anyway.

If you lose your map you can get a new one in the library. That's just a bit south of the center of town and on the east side of the road.

Attacking the city's guards is stupid and will get you killed.

If you haven't joined a guild and you want to practice killing things, best keep it to the training grounds.

If you want to meet people and buy food, best head to the tavern.

If you have questions, your best bet is asking people you meet in town. Most folks are really nice to immigrants... that is if they are respectful.

recruitment

I'm on recruitment. If you're wanting to be a soldier, there's a good chance you'll have to deal with me. There are five of us on the team and we don't brook any nonsense. Here are some things you might want to know.

We don't like idiots.

A little respect goes a long way.

You will be required to read your mail.

The tasks are not impossible, but just because they call us the fighter's guild doesn't mean we let any old yahoo in. You'll have to do the work, same as anybody. We don't care how cute you are or who your daddy was.

Good luck.

My Legion is the Best

When I was a soldier new,

I was given an armband of blue.

I knew then, what my officers knew.

In Dragon our hearts beat true.

It isn't so hard to see why...

I'm never leavin Dragon Legion.

When we're put to the test

my legion is the best.

On my first day, my captain said,

you're lucky kid, your armband's red,

To this day I am sure,

it's 'cause my heart is pure,

and that's the reason why...

I'm never leavin Phoenix Legion.

When we're put to the test

my legion is the best.

In fight you want a dragon.

fang, fire, wing, and talon

a breath as hot as on a sun

and muscles big as any wagon,

and that is why I say

I'm never leavin Dragon Legion.

When we're put to the test

my legion is the best.

Dragon's fall but pheonix rise

a pheonix never meets demise.

Hear the foes fear filled cries

as its flaming wings chastise,

and that is why I'll always say

I'm never leavin Phoenix Legion.

When we're put to the test

my legion is the best.

Dragon legion!

Phoenix legion!

Until my final death, with every single breath,

every toll and every day, my blood oath set my life this way,

and...

I'm never leavin my legion.

When we're put to the test

the Gahlen Garrison's the very best.

Shallow Water

Risk often preludes slaughter.
Pirates prowl the hidden deep,
but the ship rocks gently in shallow water.

The captain rarely brings his daughter
for fear she'll meet her final sleep.
Risk often preludes slaughter.

Death is far more likely to have caught her
trussed and corseted, bored and meek.
The ship rocks gently in shallow water.

Temper shy or hot, her
fate is sealed by love's cold sheet.
Risk often preludes slaughter.

Safe in the keeping of her father;
no needless waves of wilting heat;
her ship rocks gently in shallow water.

Or she might instead refuse to totter
far from wind and wave and heat.
Risk often preludes slaughter
but some ships aren't built for shallow water.

New Soldier's Lament

Yesterday I was a citizen.

Today I am a soldier.

I thought that I would be all brave

but I'm not any bolder.

Everything has changed for me

though I'm just one day older.

My captain and commander and lieutenant all agree,

that officer material I'll prob'ly never be.

I went to the advisor to ask for some advice,

He said, “I'd love to help you, but this game has no dice.

Soldiers are the bottom, of the pecking order,

now get yourself banana breads and go patrol the border.”

Yesterday I was a citizen.

Today I am a soldier.

I thought that I would be all brave

but I'm not any bolder.

Everything has changed for me

though I'm just one day older.

The trainer took my money, the Sergeant took my pride,

when I was given conduct, I sat right down and cried.

There are so many rules to learn, I wrote them on my arm

and now there's so much ink on me, at night it keeps me warm.

There's rules for what I look like now and rules for how I act

and rules that say don't hit, the rude folks with an axe.

Oh! Yesterday I was a citizen.

Today I am a soldier.

I thought that I would be all brave

but I'm not any bolder.

Everything has changed for me

though I'm just one day older.

They told me that I have to sleep in my bunk alone

and, considering the choices, it's a rule that I condone,

My bunk is very tiny and the barracks very large

and some idiot has let in here centaurs, dwarves, and Sarge.

The racket that they make is enormous you can tell

but it's nothing to the aromatic flatulentic smell.

And if I wake tomorrow... you will hear me sing

Once I was a citizen.

Today I am a soldier.

I thought that I would be all brave

and I am a little bolder.

Everything has changed for me

and I'm a whole lot older.

The Tenets

There are three tenets we live and die by. Each soldier has his own take on em and if you're serious about joining up you better think real hard on them your own self. Here's my take on them.

Courage

The ability to do what scares you even though it scares you. For some this is about facing down orcs and dragons and mastadons, but for your average soldiers, the real things they fear most are public speaking and rejection by that cute girl in the tavern.

Honor

Oh, this one seems real simple right now when you haven't yet been put to the test, but wait till you find yourself in a sticky situation. You wanna know how I see it? Honor is putting the Garrison and the safety of Gahlen first. Honor is knowing what my oath really means and not letting some adolescent notion of right and wrong get in the way of my job. I don't care if you worship Waylumi, Ateraan, or Dahkoar- stay out of my way... I know where my loyalty belongs.

Discipline

The Garrison is no place for whiners, weaklings, or the incurably lazy. Discipline means two things; following orders and improving yourself. Yes, that means you'll have to knock some information into that thick skull of yours. What? You thought it was all about swinging a sword? Fine then, go be a rogue. If you don't have at least half a brain, we don't need you.